I have sat on the funnies since my blog started. They have been so hard to write. There are so many funny stories compared to the serious ones, but the serious ones needed to be said first. I don't know if you will find them ha, ha funny but they have tickled me over the years.

Many are from my early days, the weirder things always used to happen then, something about a young blonde that attracted the weirdness.

The one about the vibrator up the backside.
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So I was on an overnight with this old boy. It was in my incall flat. We bathed me and shaved me. A little strange, never had anyone shave me before. Anyway, he had taken some many viagras, he could not get it up. Eventually he confessed that he had taken....I think it was 6 or 8.... anyway, he confessed and said if he took two more and was ill would I drive his car home the next day if he was admitted into hospital. Well, he was okay, he lived through the night, only just though. It was about 3 or 4am and I was really tired, he had literally fiddled with me for hours and I really had had enough. Nothing worse than performing oral or playing with someone that remains limp no matter what. After a while you have to give up, but this guy was having none of it. So I am half asleep and he is fiddling with me, I keep slapping his hand away, then he pulls out one of my small vibrators. I am really trying hard not to lose my temper and punch the guy. So I was drifting off to sleep when he decides he is going to shove this vibrator up my backside and let go! Now, you see I have told you it was small, well it went up there buzzing away and would not come back down. I tried to reach to grab it, no luck. I squated on the floor, still no luck. I ran to the toilet and strained hoping to push it out, NOTHING! After about 10 minutes I really began to panic. I could not get anything up my backside to grab it with. So instead I put my hand up inside me and push against my back passage. Somehow I managed to turn the vibrator off but it was still wedged up there. It must have been a good hour, almost giving up hope and faced with the thought of having to go to A&E with the wrinkly, it eventually came out. But I did forget to mention that the whole time I was trying to get it out he was in the bathroom still trying to grope my breasts and moaning because he couldn't put his hands between my legs. Needless to say when I returned from the bathroom I went and slept in my spare room.


The Dubai airport story.
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I had been on an overnight in London the night before flying to Dubai. I met my client at the airport at we made our way to board our flight. Fantastic was had and eventually we had to come home. So I am queueing up with my luggage at Dubai airport and I put my cases through the Xray machine. Now my shoes beeped going out there and now coming back. But this time my case beeped as well. So they pulled me over to where these serious looking people where sat behind a table and asked for my bag. I handed them my hand luggage without a second thought. My travel companion shortly arrived behind me when they opened the bag. Stupid, stupid, me had forgotten that my hand luggage was the stuff I had with me from my overnight. So strict looking master took out my cock rings and placed them on each finger, examining them as he took out a new one and then in his other hand produced my rampant rabbit, at this point I thought I was going to pee with laughter. Sadly, they did not get my humour. My client, spat out in disgust "I don't believe you" and stormed off and the security staff got their hands buzzing, which made me laugh even more. At this point I was sat on the floor crying with laughter. The more I laughed, the more they shouted at me, "What, what" They did not know what they had in their hands. I was sent back through the Xray equipment several times before they let me through, the queue behind me was mounting and the young couple behind looked at me confused until I confessed that "They didn't want to know what was in my hand luggage other than it buzzed" this whisper went down the line and everyone else saw the funny side of it all. Eventually I was allowed to go but I had to run to the toilet and ring home and share my story. That was the moment that my sister discovered her 23 yr old sister had a case full of sex toys. To this day it still makes me smile going through customs.

The one about the artificial leg.
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Now before any PC people start shouting at me. This is not a dig at disabilities, my dad only has one leg!! This story scared the crap out of me at the time but now I can laugh at it.
So it was about three years ago now. I was directing my incall client in to mine and he got out of his car and followed me up the stairs. Everything seemed fine. Now I want to stress he did not prepare me for this, had he of I would have been forearmed. So we were sat on the bed chatting away as you do, and I had my hand on the top of his thigh. We were in the middle of chatting about something when all of a sudden I saw something shoot out of him fly across the room, hit the wall and crash to the floor. I screamed from sheer fright. I think it is one of those "you had to of been there moments". Anyway, what my client failed to tell me was that he had an artificial leg, blood clot caused by smoking, and that he did not always attach it properly, hence he got aroused and off it flew. I don't think I have ever been so scared before. NOTE TO CLIENTS: Notify the WG beforehand and let them know if you have a disability, it helps them be able to cope if they know.

I will have to go to bed now at 5.30am and try and think of the others. They always spring to mind when sharing stories with clients but when I am ready to type them for you they fall out of my brain. I hope these tickled you as much as they tickled me.