These lyrics got me thinking about my next blog, it was composed a few years ago and I have since gone in to update it:

You stir my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I run the risk of losing you
And that's worse

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

I can't see much of a future
Unless we find out what's to blame
What a shame
And we won't be together much longer
Unless we realize that we are the same

Ever fallen in love with someone?
Ever fallen in love?
In love with someone
Ever fallen in love? (Love…)
In love with someone
You shouldn't've fallen in love with

You disturb my natural emotions
You make me feel I'm dirt
And I'm hurt
And if I start a commotion
I'll only end up losing you
And that's worse

This why getting involved in a relationship with a client is always a bad idea.  

I had been working for about four months doing mainly incalls when he booked. I don't remember too much in honesty from our first booking just that he was a nice guy with a kind face. It was a massive buzz when he booked two days later. Over the next two weeks I saw him nine times!!

He told me he was married but unhappy, they practically had seperate lives. It did not take long for us to really connect and he told me how he felt about me. He told me he wanted to leave his wife and was falling in love with me. I remember telling him to work out his marriage and to get marriage help, I am a fairytale romantic! I am not a home wrecker!

I sobbed down the phone on the bathroom floor to my friend after he left at the end of one appointment. It was these tears that made me realise I felt the same way about him. I was instantly happy when I saw his name flash up on my phone and there was something about him that I just loved.

Over the next few weeks we opened up more and eventually I told him how I felt. He moved out of his marital home and back in with his parents. The man had spent 15 years with this woman that he had been married to for nine years and here he was falling in love with an escort, someone he paid to be intimate with, someone who he was only paying as his wife was not intimate with him, his wife was not interested at all with him.

From the moment we went public there was so much against us but we felt so strongly about each other that I thought we could make it through. The wife started a personal vendetta against me, even more so when she found out what I did for a living. The divorce was shitty, she knew what I did and made it so hard for me to work. She put lots of doubts into his head saying that I was having unprotected sex with clients, when I wasn't, I respect myself too much.

We would stay up all night just spending time together, if we weren't making love we would talk about getting married and having children. There were a few pregnancy scares, well not exactly scares, more near misses, and he was fantastic about it in the beginning.

As the divorce got worse he became more and more insecure, I left the agency I worked for and went independent. I began to change so much about myself to fit in with the person he wanted me to be. After one too many blazing arguements I asked him to leave my house.

He had gone from this wonderful doting partner to this insecure, arguementative monster. But I still loved him. I developed panic attacks and they were so severe that at one point I could not drive. He thought it was my way of getting out of an arguement. As soon as he wound me up my chest would tighten and I would be on the floor gasping for air thinking I was going to die, afterwards my body would be so drained all I could was sleep. He would read every report about me on the internet and then grill me, thinking I would leave him for one of them, I did fall in love with him and he was a client afterall. No amount of reassurance was enough.

I look back on some of the fantastic trips we had and don't know when exactly things changed, but by about nine months she had planted so many doubts in his head that life was impossible.

I began to see less and less of him and he would only come round for sex, get what he wanted and go home. Everytime he left it broke my heart. I began to drink quite heavily to deal with losing him. In a last bid attempt to save things I quit escorting for him, I knew it was going to happen someday but I did it for him. But by the time I stoppped working there was hardly anything of the man I loved left. I got a normal "9-5" job, well the hours were longer than that, and then he started to think I was sleeping with my boss because of course he was male.

After a wonderful day out to the beach with my family and lots of kids a few summers ago, we went home and had a wonderful evening together. The man I fell in love with returned that day. That was the night I fell pregnant. When I told him I did not see him for a few weeks and he even tried forcing me into an abortion.

When I lost the baby I did not hear from him for several weeks, the last nine months of the relationship,  I could go for 6-8 weeks without seeing him then he would turn up for sex. I remember one visit, he met me from work and we went to the theatre, I had booked it in an attempt to try and get us back on track, little did I know at the time I was already pregnant and what was to come. We had a lovely time that night and he went home afterwards. When we broke up the first time he stopped telling his family he was seeing me so everything was secret.

I met a couple of men during the time we were apart and everytime I got near to being happy again he would creep back in and ruin it.

He met someone else and came to me for sex, I did not know about her in the beginning, he led me to believe when I found out about her that we could still have a future. He was shagging this other woman in the house that I helped furnish, on the duvet that I bought. She had a right to know he was back cheating again. She did not know any of his past, until I said to him I did not want to see him anymore. A few nasty messages from him later and she knew the whole story. She had a right to know that behind the wonderful exterior was this gutless, pitiful man that did not give a toss about who he hurt. How not once but twice he walked out on his partner pregnant.

For over a year after the final split I thought he would not come back, at this point his parents knew the whole truth about him and so did his then girlfriend. Over the past few years he has crept back in, I have been weak, your heart wants what it wants. Now I am quite sure I will never hear from him again, in some ways I relish the day I will finally quit for good as then he will not have a way of contacting me, when I was ill and faced the possibility of a transplant he showed even more true colours, scared and frightened I text him to let him know what was happening, I wanted some reassurance, he did not even have the decency to reply, even though just a few months previously he tried shagging me. It has taken 3 1/2 years since the first split to be happy again. I look back with regret that something so perfect went so wrong, that I was foolish enough to change so much of my life for this man that did not care about his unborn children, that made me in to a difference person, a person he made so isolated. I am glad I had the experience of my time with him, there were some wonderful times and I have definately learnt from it.

The moral of my story is love hurts. I can't say never date a client because our good times were fantastic. Just be careful as burnt fingers hurt. I know I am not the first escort to fall into this trap and I wont be the last.